13 Going on 30
In March of this year, I turned 29.
As I enter my third decade on this floating rock through space, I’m working to get some confidence back. Years of battling imposter syndrome have taken their toll, and I no longer want to enable the warped perception of myself that it’s given me. Instead, I’m making a new effort to step into the light and see myself glow.
I’ve decided to take on this year the way 13 year-old Cameron would: unburdened by doubt and driven by dreams.
Throughout my life, I’ve coped with feelings of inadequacy by asking “What would my 13 year-old self think?” Even recently while riding the Amtrak to New York City to photograph Vice President Kamala Harris before the MET Gala (!!!!), my anxieties started overwhelming any excitement. Despite my previous successful experiences in more chaotic scenarios, the only thing I could do was convince myself I was unqualified and question why I was asked to be there in the first place.
I felt dread. Why would I ever believe I could do this? I’m in over my head. Maybe they meant to call someone else? Why am I putting myself in a position to do something this big when I know it’s just going to fail?!
But before completely discounting myself, I thought of 13 year-old Cameron sitting next to me.
There wasn’t a time when the dreams I dreamed weren’t equally vivid and undeterred than when I was 13. As a 7th grader who envisioned a life beyond the street she grew up on, 13 year-old Cameron couldn’t be convinced anything stood between her and her goals. At that age, she might have been grasping for clarity in the trenches of self-discovery, but her confidence in attaining the future she hoped for never wavered.
So, I imagined her sitting on the Amtrak with me, smiling so big each bracket of her braces showed. I imagined how she knew all along I could get to where I am. I imagined her confidence, how the work was believing this moment was possible, now all I had to do was meet it. I imagined how she doesn’t know me, but believes in me — sometimes more than I do.
Thinking of her grounded me through the adrenaline rush of the day’s shoot. I remembered that maybe my work experiences up until this point had opened the door to a well-deserved opportunity. That instead of my first thought being I couldn’t do it, radically believing that I could! And it’s with that that I chose to give 13 year-old Cameron the reigns.
This year, she’s my North Star. Thinking of her is a reminder that the embers of her hopes still burn and to not forget the dreams she had for me. Her confidence in the possibility of the future reminds me to get out of my own way and not let self-doubt keep me from trying. And maybe, bring back her uninhibited feelings of joy and not take it all so seriously! We can save that for our thirties.
It’s a 13 going on 30 mindset singing SZA’s “20 something” while it still counts. Thanks for following along.
With wonder,
Cameron
I thought it might be nice to share a few things bringing me joy and comfort these days:
What I’m Listening to: Rachel Chinouriri’s “What A Devastating Turn of Events”
What I’m Watching: Hacks and The Studio
What I’m Reading: James by Percival Everett
What’s Making me Laugh: Good Hang with Amy Poehler
